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EdwardG101694

Abandoned
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Moving on

2 min read
I think I really just needed to get all of that out there in some form or another.

In the past three days I've really just been taking a long hard look at my life. I've lost a lot in the past year. When I look back on it, I think it would have made sense for me to have taken the spring semester off and focus on getting myself together rather than consuming my time with school work. I think that's why I really hit me hard at the beginning of the week. I was finally done with school so now I had nothing to keep my mind from being reminded of the past and dwelling on it. So maybe it was a good thing, but at the same time, keeping all of that bottled in me for so long probably wasn't one of my best ideas.

Nothing is going to bring back my dad, I'll never get to do marching band again, I won't have my own space until I actually buy my own house, and I can't undo the mistakes I've made in the past. I just have to move past all of that. As hard as it may be, it's the reality of the situation. I won't move on from my dad, cause I will always miss him, but it's finally time I close my  high school chapter once and for all. Maybe in the future I'll get to do marching band again somewhere else. But besides that, I'm ready to start the rest of my life, and leave all of this behind. I don't need it dragging me down anymore. They were all great memories that I will hold with me forever. But that's where they need to stay. Any hopes of bringing him to life, or reliving my memories is fruitless. But keeping the memory alive is what I need to do.

I'm still going to be inactive here since I just don't need DA anymore.

But I just wanted to end on a somewhat more happier note, and a somewhat humorous one since it took me a full year to graduate.
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Leaving

6 min read
Well. It's been a while.

In short, my life was pretty much turned upside down at the beginning of the year when I was already in a vulnerable state. That's why I've been so inactive, and why this will be my last journal post.

A few of my friends are graduating and it's making me think about what my life was just a year ago. And even more so five years ago.

I guess I'm looking at myself entering High School in 2008, and how I exited in 2012. How things changed in that time frame, and how I changed.

I was very confined in 2008, and kept a lot of things hidden. In 2012, I'm finally just being myself and doing whatever the heck I want to do and just not caring. In 2013, I'm even more so like that. But then I look at 2008, and think to myself how much I enjoyed my first half of freshman year in band. And how lovely that was. How that seriously just changed me for the better. Or not changed, but how I finally just broke though all of my barriers and became who I always wanted to be. All of the friendships I made in band that year. But at the same time, I made all of those friends, and pushed aside people that had been by my side since first grade. I had two great friends. We did everything together. But then we just grew apart. Mainly because I wanted to be with all of my band friends. In a sense, it was for the better, and band people in general I just made a better connection with. But even throughout high school that changed. Despite that, I did leave high school with the greatest people anyone could ask for. Although I've (regrettably) grown apart from some of them.

It's usually because I feel like I'm always giving and giving, and everyone is taking and taking. I just get tired of it and stop talking to people. But then later on I realize how much they meant to me, and how stupid I was for doing that, despite how it might have been for the better. Or not even. I pushed away one of my best friends because of this, and despite attempts to reconnect, it just doesn't seem like we will. I really think I would have learned by this point too, since I've done it twice before.

It's even harder now. I lost my dad at the beginning of the year. On January 13th he passed away. It really made me think how short life can be and whether or not I want to spend that time on people who just take advantage of me. But then, honestly, they're not taking advantage of me. I just expect too much I think. I really don't know, considering I'm told by other friends that that's what they're doing.

But besides that. I look at my life and think how graduating so far has just meant my life falling apart. I miss those friends. I miss being able to sit with my friends at lunch. I miss having them in classes. I miss marching band. I miss walking out onto a field on a cold friday night and play the national anthem. I miss the bus rides to competitions. I miss having my dad around. I miss having a house. I miss having a room. I miss coming home to my dad making his wise cracks, coming home and walking into my room and taking a nap. I miss having a house that had a kitchen where I knew where everything was. Where I could walk into, decide what I wanted to cook, and get everything out without asking for assistance in locating the simplest of things. I miss walking into the living room, sitting down and watching a movie with my family. I miss walking into my room after a long day, sitting down at my computer, on an organized desk, and just listening to music, or talking with friends. I miss not having to hide my stuff so it doesn't get misplaced. I miss my posters on my wall. I miss having a dad. I miss the repetitive phrases he would get stuck on. I miss being able to look at my brother, and not feeling so depressed knowing, he's growing up without his dad now. I miss looking at my mom, and not feeling like she's in this all alone now. I miss seeing my whole family.

I hate how little things can just set me off now. There are freaking movies I just can't even hear because a loved one dies and I just stop functioning. I hate how people take for granted stuff that you would never guess means so much when it's gone. Seriously. I miss having a freaking non-stick pan. WHO MISSES SOMETHING LIKE THAT? I hate the pans at my grandma's house. They get too hot quickly, they burn you if you don't watch it. And then I start feeling depressed because had things not gone the way they had gone, I would still be home, with a non-stick pan. These little things really get to you when they're gone. It might sound absurd to you, but try being so adjusted to your life, and then having to change all of that in one weekend. ONE. WEEKEND. And it isn't just one little thing. It's multiple little things. That all remind you that you lost someone you love. You lost the life you loved.

I try and be happy. But it's just not easy. I pull it off most of the time, and most of the time I am happy. But then it just comes to haunt me. How EVERYTHING in my life has changed. I know change is all of part of life, but the fact remains my life DIDN'T have to change. I would give anything to just go back to fall of 2011, and set my life on repeat. Back when everything was okay. I wouldn't have to think of the stupid mistakes I've made. Or the stupid freaking mistakes HEALTH PROFESSIONALS made. I want the hurting to stop. I want the nostalgia to stop.

I need it all. To stop.
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I Hate People.

1 min read
Enough said.
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So I'm 18

2 min read
So as of 3AM on October 16th, I'm now legally viewed as an adult.

Legally. I still view myself as a kid. XD I've never had a job, I don't have a license, don't have a car, live with my parents. Yeah I'm an adult alright. ;P

Society and its labels. I could go on for hours about how much I hate being 18 now. Mainly because it's pretty sexist. I think it's stupid that Males are required to sign up for the draft and females aren't. It's 2012. Seriously. There are millions of women out there that are more ready for a position in the military should a need for it come than I am. End rant.

Other than that. School is fine. I really miss DP. It's really lonely sometimes without everyone I knew in high school. Everyone is older than me (by a lot too). I have to stay there from 8AM to 10PM on Tuesdays. All alone. I practice mostly so I'd be alone anyways, but yeah. I was so bored last Tuesday (which was my birthday) and I happily get a call from the Mitzyanater. We talked for like two hours and a half hour was on FaceTime. I kept getting weird looks from people since I was talking to my phone. XD

I got to go to the Band Competition on Saturday. I'm so jealous of DP's show his year! It's so good, they have everything looking so good. The forms are spot on, the sound is amazing, and the show itself is spectacular. ASDFJKL it's so greattt. A lot of us went crazy with the air grams too. XD It was a lot of fun. I wish I could go out there and march again though.

And with that, I'm out.

Stay Fabulous.
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Future Meme

5 min read
1. What would you do if right now the love of your life walked in and asked you to marry him/her?

I would start crying and scream "yes! I will!" and then pass out.

2. Do you trust your friends?

Most of them yes, they know who they are.

3. Would you move to another state or country to be with the one you love?

That's a tough one...if we were married, yes, if not, I'd have to really think about it.

4. Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?

Sometimes yeah. Only reason I don't say yes, is I can't justify the hate in the world happening for a good reason.

5. Name two things you would NOT tolerate in a relationship?

Cheating/Dishonesty and Ignorance.

6. Which one of your friends do you think would make the best doctor?

:devtobi-likes-cookies:

7. Are you afraid of falling in love?

With the wrong person yes...it's not fun.

8. Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times?

Multiple people yes, some more than others.

10. Would you stop talking to your friends because you hooked up with a new person?

No, I'd only stop talking to any of my friends if they gave me a reason to not want to talk to them anymore.

11. When was the last time you flew in a plane?

Never, thankfully.

12. What did the last text message you sent say?

"Your flute is as glamours as Freddie Mercury and Adele combined. XD"

13. What features do you find most attractive in your preferred sex?

As far as looks go, definitely eyes, but facial features in general.

14. Fill in the blank. I love _______ .

Music.

15. What is a goal you would like to accomplish in the near future?

Becoming a professional Symphonic Instrumentalist on Bass Clarinet (Symphony Performer) and Flute (Soloist).

16. If you were to wake up from being in a coma for an extensive time who would you call?

I'm assuming my parents would be there so I would probably call a friend. I don't know who though, I have a lot of really close friends.

17. How many kids do you want to have?

At least two, but preferably four.

18. Would you make a good parent?

I hope I would.

19. Where was/were your ID picture(s) taken?

I don't have one lol.

20. What is your middle name?

Edward

21. Honestly, what's on your mind right now?

The sad state of the world.

23. Shoe size?

Eleven and a half.

24. What are you wearing right now?

A white shirt and gray pants.

25. Righty or Lefty?

Righty, but I can write with my left decently.

26. Can you make a dollar in change right now?

Several yeah.

26. Best place to eat?

I really love this Italian Restaurant on State Street.

27. Favorite pair of jeans you own?

I don't have any, the material gets to me sometimes.

28. Favorite animal?

Cats and Penguins. <3

29. Favorite juice?

Any juice by Naked.

30. Have you had the chicken pox?

Yes, and I hated it.

31. Have you had a sore throat?

Frequently. -_-

33. Who knows you the best?

Several people I trust with everything.

34. Do you get along with your family?

Yes, very well.

35. Do you wear contact lenses or glasses?

I need glasses.

36. Ever been in a fight with your pet?

I don't have one. :C

37. Been to Mexico?

Nope.

38. Did you buy something today?

No, yesterday yes. I bought food.

39. Did you get sick today?

I've been slightly sick.

40. Did you miss someone today?

Yes. :c

41. Did you get in a fight with someone today?

Sort of, over satire and it's intended parody and audience.

42. When is the last time you had a massage?

Never?

43. Last person to lay in your bed?

Me.

44. Last person to see you cry?

I think my mom, but I'm not sure.

45. Who made you cry?

Freaking life.

46. What was the last TV show you watched?

Braxton Family Values...XD

47. What are your plans for the weekend?

This. Sad, I know.

48. Who do you think will repost this?

I don't know, someone should though.

49. Name of the person you got this from.

No one, just found it.

50. Are you happy?

Like 80% of the time. 20% of the time I'm pissed off at the World for what it is, or I'm just depressed for god knows what. 80% of the time I'm happily playing an instrument or talking with someone enjoyable.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Um, how much of this actually had to do with the future?
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Featured

Moving on by EdwardG101694, journal

Leaving by EdwardG101694, journal

I Hate People. by EdwardG101694, journal

So I'm 18 by EdwardG101694, journal

Future Meme by EdwardG101694, journal