Well. It's been a while.
In short, my life was pretty much turned upside down at the beginning of the year when I was already in a vulnerable state. That's why I've been so inactive, and why this will be my last journal post.
A few of my friends are graduating and it's making me think about what my life was just a year ago. And even more so five years ago.
I guess I'm looking at myself entering High School in 2008, and how I exited in 2012. How things changed in that time frame, and how I changed.
I was very confined in 2008, and kept a lot of things hidden. In 2012, I'm finally just being myself and doing whatever the heck I want to do and just not caring. In 2013, I'm even more so like that. But then I look at 2008, and think to myself how much I enjoyed my first half of freshman year in band. And how lovely that was. How that seriously just changed me for the better. Or not changed, but how I finally just broke though all of my barriers and became who I always wanted to be. All of the friendships I made in band that year. But at the same time, I made all of those friends, and pushed aside people that had been by my side since first grade. I had two great friends. We did everything together. But then we just grew apart. Mainly because I wanted to be with all of my band friends. In a sense, it was for the better, and band people in general I just made a better connection with. But even throughout high school that changed. Despite that, I did leave high school with the greatest people anyone could ask for. Although I've (regrettably) grown apart from some of them.
It's usually because I feel like I'm always giving and giving, and everyone is taking and taking. I just get tired of it and stop talking to people. But then later on I realize how much they meant to me, and how stupid I was for doing that, despite how it might have been for the better. Or not even. I pushed away one of my best friends because of this, and despite attempts to reconnect, it just doesn't seem like we will. I really think I would have learned by this point too, since I've done it twice before.
It's even harder now. I lost my dad at the beginning of the year. On January 13th he passed away. It really made me think how short life can be and whether or not I want to spend that time on people who just take advantage of me. But then, honestly, they're not taking advantage of me. I just expect too much I think. I really don't know, considering I'm told by other friends that that's what they're doing.
But besides that. I look at my life and think how graduating so far has just meant my life falling apart. I miss those friends. I miss being able to sit with my friends at lunch. I miss having them in classes. I miss marching band. I miss walking out onto a field on a cold friday night and play the national anthem. I miss the bus rides to competitions. I miss having my dad around. I miss having a house. I miss having a room. I miss coming home to my dad making his wise cracks, coming home and walking into my room and taking a nap. I miss having a house that had a kitchen where I knew where everything was. Where I could walk into, decide what I wanted to cook, and get everything out without asking for assistance in locating the simplest of things. I miss walking into the living room, sitting down and watching a movie with my family. I miss walking into my room after a long day, sitting down at my computer, on an organized desk, and just listening to music, or talking with friends. I miss not having to hide my stuff so it doesn't get misplaced. I miss my posters on my wall. I miss having a dad. I miss the repetitive phrases he would get stuck on. I miss being able to look at my brother, and not feeling so depressed knowing, he's growing up without his dad now. I miss looking at my mom, and not feeling like she's in this all alone now. I miss seeing my whole family.
I hate how little things can just set me off now. There are freaking movies I just can't even hear because a loved one dies and I just stop functioning. I hate how people take for granted stuff that you would never guess means so much when it's gone. Seriously. I miss having a freaking non-stick pan. WHO MISSES SOMETHING LIKE THAT? I hate the pans at my grandma's house. They get too hot quickly, they burn you if you don't watch it. And then I start feeling depressed because had things not gone the way they had gone, I would still be home, with a non-stick pan. These little things really get to you when they're gone. It might sound absurd to you, but try being so adjusted to your life, and then having to change all of that in one weekend. ONE. WEEKEND. And it isn't just one little thing. It's multiple little things. That all remind you that you lost someone you love. You lost the life you loved.
I try and be happy. But it's just not easy. I pull it off most of the time, and most of the time I am happy. But then it just comes to haunt me. How EVERYTHING in my life has changed. I know change is all of part of life, but the fact remains my life DIDN'T have to change. I would give anything to just go back to fall of 2011, and set my life on repeat. Back when everything was okay. I wouldn't have to think of the stupid mistakes I've made. Or the stupid freaking mistakes HEALTH PROFESSIONALS made. I want the hurting to stop. I want the nostalgia to stop.
I need it all. To stop.